Rebekah: My Official Review Of Fifty Shades Of Grey

So, Fifty Shades of Grey is the big movie this weekend, huh?

I must confess I did not read the books. I mean, I’ve read snippets here and there, but I never sat down and read the entire book cover to cover. Why? Well, it’s just not my thing. And what I did read was soooooo poorly written. The whole idea of having to sign a contract with someone you love in order to be with them is just plain pathetic to me.

I didn’t go into Fifty Shades of Grey with high hopes. It would seem that I was 100% right on that theory.

What a terrible piece of crap I had to sit through. I swear, the things I do for this show!

It is a whole lot of naked! Not just boobs, but the lower half, both male and female an appearance. It’s basically Skin-A-Max. If that’s what your into, rather than pay the $9 for a movie ticket, just set your DVR from 2AM to 4AM on Cinemax any night of the week. At least then you can watch it in the comfort of your own home and for a lot less money! The whole time, I just kept thinking…do you invite your parents to the premiere?

So there have been several stories in the entertainment news that say Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson actually hate each other in real life. Based on their acting performance alone…I’m pretty sure they hate each other. Either that or the lack of chemistry between the two is because they actually had sex. There’s a whole episode of Friends devoted to that very idea. Honestly, Dakota Johnson is the better of the actors, but even then I wouldn’t say great. She had one job to do and that was to bite her lip. Each bite felt forced! I also couldn’t tell you why Jamie Dornan even signed on for this role. He must be in debt right? He didn’t even pretend to be remotely interested in the role. Thank God, Charlie Hunnam backed out!!! It might have ruined him for me forever!

Let’s talk about the plot, which is just as poorly written as the book. I mean we all know what the book is about, so why bother with the slow build up? Just get to the dirty stuff, that’s what people are paying to watch. It’s so slow. We get it, he has mommy issues. We get it, he can’t admit that he really loves Anastasia. Blahhhhhhhh. Not to mention, the pathetic-ness of it all. In no way, shape, or form, would I ever want to be with someone who wants me to sign a nondisclosure document and a contract. Not to mention, he’s so bossy. She has to eat and drink what he feels like is a well-rounded meal. I have to mention the idea of the dominant/submissive relationship. Christian Grey doesn’t really do anything other than spank her. There’s also the occasional tie up and blind fold. I mean that can only be sexy so many times.

I’m also curious as to what defines the line between art and porn? I couldn’t really tell you the definition either. The older I get, the more I let slide.

This is my last gripe, I swear! Jamie Dornan is married and doing scenes with another naked woman, touching another naked woman. No they aren’t really having sex, but honestly if I were his wife, he would have never made this movie. Then again, I wouldn’t marry anyone willing to make this movie.

Ok, so I hated it. At one point in the movie I caught myself hoping they would die in a gliding accident. However, you should never trust a critic. If you want to go see Fifty Shades of Grey, then go see Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s your call. Judge it for yourself. You might love it. For me though, it just wasn’t my scene!

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